Erotic adults, coming from perfection, agree there is nothing to be healed, there is nothing that is done to us, and there is no problem. Therefore, communication shifts purpose radically, aiming toward play and discovering how much sensation we can produce while remaining connected. The aim is to push, seduce, express, reveal the hidden and forbidden, speak the unspeakable, and know the other when they are out of control—which is the only place where intimacy can be had.
This type of communication can only happen with two consenting Erotic adults or else there is a danger in the play. Interestingly, the greater danger is to the Erotic adult in the situation because the person of child's consciousness can claim violation. Erotic adults do not call violation; when we are a full Erotic adult, we agree to play fully with the purpose of seeing how well we recover when we are pushed and transgressed. True and skillful transgression is always connected, so the transgressor has the exact same sensory experience as the person being transgressed.
In the practice of OM, limbic systems connect, nervous systems sync up. The same happens in communication between Erotic adults. Without this connection, it is not communication. If we feel that our partner is not synced up and we are in this level of play, we stop, without getting mad or punishing.
When we play as an Erotic adult, we have confirmed we have volition. We are choosing to play. For this reason, we are responsible for our experience. We can also choose to leave. Understanding this is key.
Boxers engage as adults, in a way that is different from someone getting punched on the street. A boxer is actually doing a dance with, and is in sync with, the other boxer; both are engaging as a means to discover what they are made of.
Erotic adults should make it very difficult to get into the ring with us, so that whoever does is absolutely clear about their choice and that they have volition. If we have any question as to the level of responsibility the other person is willing to take, we do not play because it is not fun.
Fun is when we can let loose entirely with all we have, holding nothing back. Until that point, we are a caregiver, which is a different kind of fun, but not real Erotic fun. Real Erotic fun is the discovery of who we are in play, and who we are in play can only be revealed with those who have agreed to exhibit matched Erotic adult power.
Everything is a communication. If we notice people are nice to us, careful with us, or will not spar with us, it tells us we have not yet chosen to step into Erotic adulthood. We may be more comfortable, but we will be erotically stagnant.
To see where someone is on the spectrum of Erotic adulthood, we can ask, "Do you believe you have ever had anything done to you?" Erotic adults answer, "No," knowing that all of life's experiences are both for and with. We see our position as part of the whole. The intent of the other person does not matter because the Erotic adult is not interacting so much with that person as with Eros through them.
The Erotic adult works within the arenas of hurt feelings, ostracism, surprise, and even trauma in order to convert them to power. This power would be to find our freedom within the experience, give us the resilience to be with any experience, and effectively become so powerful we can absorb the power of the enemy, disarming them. The purpose of Erotic adulthood is not to "take it" but to develop in power so much that no one dares give it. Then we can go back to the real work at hand, that of loving.
Loving is a much more difficult act than one might imagine. In a world of hungry ghosts, where people say they want love but in fact fear it and spend their efforts sabotaging it, while desperately grasping for the mimic in reality commerce—an expected exchange of limited resources—it is no surprise people are leery.
In Eros, the definition of love is similar to the experience in OM—the organic, spontaneous revealing of self and reception of other without an agenda. It involves contact without the filter of judgment or attachment. It is from the place of optionality—where there is nowhere to get to other than the place of most sensation—that adult communication plays out. To play, we must be seated in perfection or we get knocked out; our plays just occur as criticisms and lack the power to hook the other person. There will be no art.
The aim of adult Erotic communication is to spar with what lies in between. All pressures, speeds, directions, and spots are permitted in order to liberate the truth from the rules of the rational mind. The rational mind has an agenda to conceal. It needs to remain superior but is steeped in resentment that must never be exposed in either sending or reception. It has us try to hide how irritated we are, how scared, angry, judgmental, or scheming we are.
We cannot say where we see these in others. We cannot have conflict because this might activate truth-erupting. We cannot say our opinion because the rational mind cannot hold two opposing opinions. And we cannot put ourselves at risk of our resentment-based sensitivities getting touched.
It is an art because it requires we notice—with great precision—the exact spots of sensitivity without being moved toward or away from them based on our own sensitivity. We must go into the optionality mind that is connected to other without agenda. It is a balancing practice between detachment that would disconnect and attachment that would identify.
Play with serious Erotic practitioners gives us the chance to practice interacting in a way that connects rather than a doctrine that separates through protection. In Erotic practice, we are intimate with all of life, even the difficult parts. This is key to liberation. Not everyone is ready for our mistakes, which is why we practice with others who recognize that in practice we may get hurt, but this is in order to experience and deliver less hurt in the everyday world. This is a true gift. It's the practice of true humanity with the gloves off.
In our culture, we have a rule to always make each other feel better. Following this rule is a way to get dominance or power without doing the actual work; it is power through one-downmanship. The minute we try to make it better—telling someone they are actually loved and welcomed—we give power to their victim consciousness and confirm there is a problem.
When someone communicates doubt, unworthiness, or complaint, a way to play with this rule is to agree with them. But, not only agree, agree bigger than them. We can say, "I agree," list out reasons that support their assertion, or top them with a bigger and more dramatic list of our own. Keep in mind, this is an adult skill. If not done well, from a position of true perfection, humor, and joy, it is collusion. It is a tricky play because it threatens to bring us down to their location if we are not seated in power.
We have a rule that everything should feel good, with no friction or ambivalence. We should never express an opposing view as an assertion of power. However, going down the middle creates ambivalence and keeps the poles powerfully connected.
While someone is listing off the reasons why they hate us, we can genuinely feel what turns us on about them and express it. Or, when sensation is decreasing because everyone is in too much agreement or is too positive, we can point out something that would otherwise be rejected; right in the middle of falling in love, we point out something disgusting or appalling.
In the rational mind's desperate attempts to maintain control and calm at all times, we avoid certain topics because they are filled with charge and sensation. We think we are protecting people by keeping these areas cordoned off—the short person, the disabled person, the person of color, the woman, the man who cannot get an erection, the woman who hates herself for being fat, the person who is sick or dying, the person who didn't show up, the person who is always a "poor me." The list goes on.
We call it political correctness, state precepts on right speech, or exalt nonviolent communication. Ultimately, these really just create more tumescence and distance, reinforcing the notion that people cannot handle life. We create a lack of resilience. The Erotic adult plays by saying that which is typically considered unspeakable.
For this play, we start with an accurate list of what someone might use against us, fully owning our weak spots, and emptying the skeletons from our closets. If we are not trying to protect something in the background, it is hard to get us off balance. And, if we own all of it, we can throw others off balance. And, when we do get nailed with a good hit, the best play is to not only go down but to applaud our friend on the way, with true humor and appreciation that they had the level of attention to know where to hit.
When we are aware of someone's unskillful behavior and their judgment about themselves, yet we are not attached to them, their behavior, or any sort of outcome, oddly, intimacy and trust can be built. The rational mind thinks it is pretty smart, so if we match someone's rational mind by seeming to affirm what it thinks of itself, it will allow us in as one of its own.
However, if we approve of it more than it approves of itself, it will reject us as not very smart, a sucker, wanting something, or inattentive to its flaws.
We can also activate deep-seated feelings when someone is coming from a child's position by speaking in a parental tone, or in a judge's tone if they are in a victim position. We connect by playing the complementary pole until there is an opening and we can get some room for real play. A very fun play—after the connection is made and turn-on is flowing—is to reveal our play and laugh about it. It is a double shot; first they got played in the child's mind, then were melted open further when we showed them how they got played.
Because so many families are attention deficit, attention is only called into play when there is something wrong. People know connection through criticism while praise is not well-absorbed and goes to their head (itself another play). If we know someone's core self-sabotaging beliefs and can voice them cleanly, without attachment—"You are too much," "You are incapable," "You are not very smart,"—we can open the door. They may give their agreement, at which time we continue to speak these beliefs, stroking them down, until they hit bottom and fight back, then we reveal what we are doing. Or they argue immediately.
If they say something like, "Now we can see the truth," an argument from openness, with self-effacing humor about how poor our vision is, then we can speak to the beauty we see in them, which they would not have otherwise received. If they put up a defensive argument, then we circumambulate and stroke from every other angle of self-criticism we are aware of them having, until they open.
If praise goes to their head, pump up the praise. The undigested form of praise occurs as arrogance, so they see themselves as extreme forms of "better." From here, we turn up our position of one down and their position of one up, stating all the reasons why they are better. We con- tinue with this upstroke until they climax, which may occur as tears or laughter. When this happens, we put in a genuine stroke from the heart of love and appreciation.
Often we do not say the hungers and desires we have or the expressions of love and even helplessness we feel in another's presence. However, when we do so, we empty out our backlog, allowing the energy of connection to flow. We can put the ante up first. What we offer may be, and hopefully is, entirely inappropriate. They may be married or we may fear they will hold us to it forever. However, we remember adults play in the here and now.
We may, in this moment, want to be with someone for the rest of our lives and in the next moment not want it at all. True connection is built when we say both, speaking what is true in each moment. This is an honest relationship versus an attached relationship.
The result of this type of honest communication is we may not have an institutionalized relationship where we are both obligated to respond to the form rather than each other. We may, however, have more life in one moment of true connection than other people have in a lifetime of relationship. We may not want to act on it, but we may have more intimacy than someone who does.
We may say a truth so true that they are touched in a way they have never been by their partner yet we do not have to violate any rules they operate by. We own each other through truth, not through rules. Rules make people fake, accommodating, and full of resentment. Honestly leaving someone or hating them may be far more intimate than being the perfect partner with whom they will remain for a lifetime.
Emergent behavior is evident here more than in any other way of relating. Most people are likely to reveal what they would otherwise hide when in attraction—the aloof person who grips and loses it or gets obsessed, the mesmerized person who is repulsed by a positive stroke, the connection that seems entirely unlikely or impossible but pulses with such electricity and power that "impossible" melts away and we have no idea how we did not see it. This can occur in a long-term relationship where something totally new arises, or in a brand-new encounter.
A great way to play is to do what we do with any twelve-year-old: playfully tell them they can't, we don't believe they are capable, we can't believe they succeeded. Adding in a light addition of humor is helpful with this move. There is a part of every human that thrives in an "I'll show you" and likes to think it is thriving despite others. We can be the other that they are thriving in spite of and give them plenty of fodder to work with, every now and again throwing them a bone. "Well I guess you were right . . . this one time."
Another merciless tease is to take credit for everything. No matter what they do. If they cook dinner, say, "I really inspired us to make a good meal." If they clean the closet, say, "I did a great job cleaning the closet." If they hand us our phone, say, "Don't worry I found my phone." And dominate.
Let them tell us which direction to go in and if they say, "Go left," say "I think I will go left!" as if it were our idea. Another method is to repeat whatever directive is given to us as if it is our own. If they say, "Watch your step," repeat it to them as a command. There will be a part of them that goes crazy, the part that needs to be right, take credit, and be in control. Much laughter is available here when we push their buttons enough, because our friend will experience great relief.
Every spot, when stroked in a certain way, is sensitive. Sometimes this sensitivity is associated with jealousy. Jealousy can be great fun when we are coming from the position of perfection. When in relationship, if we don't have ownership over our partner, we can't experience loss. If we aim to increase ownership through attraction, we look to see where the other is threatened and then turn up the attraction in that place.
In rational mind relating, we attempt to decrease charge and therefore jealousy. In Eros, we do the exact opposite—we aim to playfully increase it. However it is different from the rational version where we make someone jealous in order to test or to communicate our worth by creating competition.
Instead, we expose a place where someone's turn-on is not fully extended. Erotic adults are turned on by turn-on. For example, when we are turned on, another woman's skill, or their interactions with our partner, add to our life rather than make us jealous.
In the rational mind, anywhere there is separation—such as when it seems that someone is between us and our partner—is a threat. In Eros, while we may be shaky and out of control, we feel turn-on through our partner. Ultimately, it is thrilling. There are two ways to play that can result in a fun release of charge. We can say something we got out of the jealousy. Or we can communicate what we genuinely appreciate about the other person. This type of experience can happen in romantic relationships and in friendships.
We can also press on someone's judgment spot. We typically try to decrease the intensity of this spot. If someone thinks we are too difficult, loud, or high-maintenance, we often try to conform to their rational preferences. Eros says, "Forget that." Rather than shrink, grow. Own it. Be it fully and let them adjust their rational demands rather than minimize our own Erotic expression. Again, if we do this to them rather than for them, it will feel awful. We do not want any against-ness in our body; we want play.
Another fun play when someone is being very contrary, almost working hard at it, is to use our optionality to wildly, passionately swallow them. We become bigger than even they are, agreeing heartily with what they say. The Erotic player does not cling to any position or viewpoint— position is irrelevant. If it must be clung to, it is not true. So, in this play, we make their case for them and gather the evidence.
Or, if they are rigid and righteous in their viewpoint, take another viewpoint they do not agree with. Argue for it with the greatest passion. The point is the play and the engagement. We make our "yes" so big that we may even change our own mind, which helps to separate us from our own rigidity, as well.
The play here is to break the societal rules around attention. When we see someone awkward or insecure or shy, we pay close attention and tune in. Right when the rules dictate that we should pay attention, in the middle of the big dramatic confession or reveal, change the subject.
It is important we do this only if we have total facility with our attention and do this as an act of play, not because we cannot hold our attention in those places.
We are expected to never overtly brag or be arrogant, but we all to some extent believe we are extraordinary and wonderful. This is supposed to be a private matter. A play here is to say it loud and proud. Own it in the same way we would tell another person how brilliant and wonderful they are, how enjoyable they are to be around, how funny they are. We can say it about ourselves. We can say it often. Why not?
People will bristle because they will have wanted to do the same but restrained themselves for purposes of propriety, not wanting to look crass or arrogant. Eros says, "Would we really rather propriety win out on what we think?" The rational mind is big on concealing so as not to risk rejection or increase sensation too much.
It cannot stand blatant displays. It says those who have it don't need to show it. Eros says that's stingy cowardice. Eros says, "If we've got it we should flaunt it. If we love our body, show it. If we think we are brilliant, say it. If we know we are funny, laugh at our own jokes. Be generous. Share the delight with others.
We love money and power and sex. We love the things that people say are crass or make us shallow for liking. Eros says, "Don't be silly. If we don't love these things it's because we are demagnetized." There is charge in these places. Not allowing ourselves to feel the charge because of a rational idea of what is spiritual or tasteful just isn't honest. They are all part of an entire life that is wonderful fun. Let it be known we are magnetized and alive. Our having does not prevent anyone else from having, so we may as well have and demonstrate our enjoyment.
Or, we can play by not having, while admitting our hunger and desire to have—for money, power, sex. Desire is not an issue. It's honest. We stay in the optionality without getting fixated. When we do this, we give others permission to do this as well, to admit their desires, to admit what we all already know.
