The people-pleasing level of consciousness invites performative, masking, polite reception. This is a subtle kind of aggression and demand for another person's mental energy. Conversely, if we allow the behavior to continue, then we are doing the person a disservice. We are allowing a relationship of extortion, instead of an actual relationship.
The underlying question needs to be, Would we still want to tend to another human being if they showed no response whatsoever? If they didn't pay us in attention? If they didn't enjoy what we did for them? Would we see it as an opportunity to learn how to pay more attention or would we find a way to discount them and their responses?
We manipulate the reactions of the people who receive our efforts in subtle and insidious ways. We may monitor the expression in their eyes, hoping to see where their attention bestows value. The story of what that value means has us grasp for that attention, with our resulting expectations quietly controlling their response, potentially to the extent that we take their attention to feed our own needs.
The demand that somebody please us, that we are owed validation of any sort—attention as commerce—robs us of the life-giving aspect of attention by yoking it to obligation.
On the other side, we don't just want people to please us; instead, we want people to enjoy pleasing us. Yet, we don't take responsibility for this experience. Primarily, we don't start from a foundation of happiness. Unless we start there, all external attention is an impossible attempt to fill a void.
We no longer recognize it for what it truly is: a gift from one human being to another. We don't recognize the nature of the exchange and that the reception of attention carries responsibility with it.
That responsibility is threefold. We will guarantee the person delivering the attention will have a rich experience rooted in learning about us and we will provide, with great precision, instructions on precisely how to succeed in the process of putting attention on us; we will not expect them to know how to do so if we do not tell them.
We will approve of any attempt they make to move in our direction so that no matter what they do, they will succeed with us. We will stay with the process of adjusting until perfect connection is made. Connection is the underlying call of what we are yearning for in asking for attention.
The key on the other side is to never give or ask for more than is freely given or received. Each relationship has its own having level. And when we honor this, fulfillment is naturally arising.
In general, if one or both partners are dug in and won't respond to requests or if free arising attention is scarce, it is a sign that we are demanding rather than allowing the natural give-and-take in a relationship to proceed.
If we are giving everything we have and the other person still isn't pleased, we're likely not engaged in a genuine desire to please them but rather we are trying to get something from them. This is a sign that we are not freely giving.
If there is a rebellion or defiance from the other person, it is a sign that we are not freely receiving but instead demanding. The other person may make obvious mistakes and withdraw, often with irritation signaling they perceive they can't succeed and that more is being asked of them than they are capable of or want to give.