The first step in connecting to the spot is remembering there is a spot. The spot is the feeling of direct experience, the state that exists beneath our fundamental confusion between who we are and what we do.
First, we notice. Do not take action. Simply rest the attention on the point of contact. We can't do this by force, but only by allowing our sensing to guide us as we seek to learn its ways.
If we are the stroker, we notice the sensation in our fingertip. If we are the strokee, we pay attention to our clitoris. We connect to what we feel. If we are the stroker, we keep our eyes open and our stroking hand relaxed—engaged but rested, as if gathering energy before throwing a ball.
When the finger touches the clitoris, both partners may feel an initial spark or buzzing. As the stroker, we notice whether our finger feels heat or vibration. We follow this feeling, letting it guide us. As the strokee, we allow our attention to become fluid, as if music were washing over us. We relax our body, especially our hips. We let our words guide the finger to our clitoris instead of extending our clitoris toward the finger.
As the stroking continues and the finger draws closer to the spot, vibration and heat may increase. We may also notice a slight repulsion, almost pushing the finger away. When we feel this, we can lighten the stroke. Now, we may feel the finger being pulled in closer. Here, let the finger move only if it is being moved. The use of force to either move the finger closer or faster may cause the spot to close.
This is where having any sort of agenda may cause us to stiffen our senses, which stiffens the finger or clitoris and pushes the spot away. This is why goallessness is a defining aspect of OM. If we allow goals to get in the way of desire, the ego—operating through our thoughts—will outcompete it.
Rather than attempt to stop our thinking, we can instead let thoughts just be thoughts and let our feelings be feelings, returning our attention to sensation. Our felt sense can bring us to direct experience.
When the finger first lands on the spot, we may feel that initial buzz enter our whole body. This means we are on the spot. The energy will increase and may lead to a homeostatic response, in which case our body and mind have sensed a change in their energy levels and will want to return to the familiar, the way a rubber band contracts to return to its unstretched state.
This response is a kind of self-protection, and in the body it may take the form of a stiffening or bracing.
The mind, unsure of what is happening, may respond with fear or confusion, fantasy or greediness. Because it is particularly sensitive to the discomfort that results from influxes of energy, the mind will try to disconnect. The key is to stay connected by keeping our attention active, one stroke at a time; this inhibits the homeostatic response.
As the stroker, it's important to keep our attention focused on opening and allowing energy to move through us—as if the finger were inhaling. Connect to the sensation and draw it into the body. Eros lives in the dynamic tension between control and being out of control. Our ability to stay connected lives in that sweet spot, where we give up total control but retain control of our own experience through attention.
As the strokee, we will likely have a tendency to pull back or withdraw our attention. When this happens it has the effect of drawing the finger in too much and will feel as though we are being poked. Instead, we can allow our attention to open. Conversely, there is a tendency to reach out for the finger, but reaching out is also a kind of contraction of attention, a hyper-focus on the finger. In this situation, reaching out has the effect of shutting off the sensation. Instead, again, we allow our attention to become more fluid and open.
When we are on the spot, we feel everything. As the stroke comes fully into the spot, it may feel like everything suddenly drops away and becomes quiet. All mental chatter and physical discomfort vanishes. There is no more motion. We feel an electromagnetic hum that begins in the clitoris and moves over the whole body. We aim to make our finger an exquisite sensor and our clitoris exquisitely sensed.
When we get on the spot, there is a dynamic quality to the impact we have on each other. Each person impacts the other with subtle openings and closings. This is what Eros trains us for: the world of connection where the possibility exists for a feedback loop of mutually influencing systems. In OM, we can experience and acknowledge directly that we profoundly affect each other, that we can move and be moved with gentleness and build something together.
As we stroke the spot, we may feel as if our finger is being suctioned, that it feels locked onto the spot. It may feel like a current is moving up and through us. If we begin shaking, relax and allow it to move through the body; stiffening will only take us off the spot. We can stay connected by drawing the sensation up, remaining fluid, and allowing our finger to remain open. This may feel messy, but it allows us to feel each other as the sensation moves back and forth.
If we begin shaking or trembling, know that while it is not a problem, it may be a sign that a feeling has become stuck. Again, we need to pull it up from the point of contact and down into our body to ground it. Allow it to cycle all the way back down to the thumb and introitus. This cycling of energy forms a circuit through which we can build and release energy.
To avoid contraction, we keep active, gentle attention on both the sensation and the connection. We know we are leaning in when we have a steady, continuous hum in our body and finger. This is the sensation of being "on." We feel the hum even in the mind.
As the strokee, we lean our attention in and allow the connection to move through us. When the stroker moves with our spot, there is an interior feeling like swaying in unison with music. We progressively feel more liquid, as though the finger is moving through a pool; what started as a distinct physical sensation, pressure, or heat now occurs as waves.
Sensation is the music the instrument of the strokee and the stroking of the stroker make together. The sensation is both made by and develops the attention. The finger and the clitoris are both extensions of our attention, each contributing to the opening of the mind.
The aim is to stay connected. If our attention is distracted, the clitoris and finger will follow suit. What we want to develop is the kind of surgical attention that's strong enough to cut through bone—including all the sediment of thought, doubt, delusion, and fantasy—while cutting gently enough to operate at the microscopic level, and steadily enough to make a clean cut.