They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but does it really make a man miss you? While conventional wisdom suggests maintaining closeness is key for relationship intimacy, the force of Eros—life's electricity flowing through us—reveals a counterintuitive truth. To maintain real connection, we must be willing to follow our own desires, even if it means not always being physically close to a partner.
Whenever we act out of fear of loss, we have unintentionally lost the very thing we fear losing. When we do not follow our desire in order to keep someone close, we lose not only ourselves but the authentic connection with the other person. Even if the two bodies continue to interact, an inner loss occurs.
Trying to ensure a partner stays physically close by being less, doing less or expressing less of ourselves is a losing game. It turns the relationship from one of two people with free will choosing each other into a warden dynamic. We essentially make the other person the "supervisor" of our desire.
While it seems illogical, in order to have real intimacy and connection, we must be willing to have it not always look like connection on the surface. Following our own desire, even when it pulls us away from physical closeness, sustains the vitality of relationships.
Desire powers aliveness in relationships. If we consistently choose physical closeness over following desire, the relationship goes limp. Doubt creeps in and we find ourselves either clinging more desperately to the person or withdrawing altogether. The cunning of the mind tries to keep us smaller, hoping if we just maintain closeness, connection and desire will return. But in reality, the only way to get the aliveness back is to open desire again—not in spite of, but for the sake of the relationship.
In Eros, we make the gap between "having" and "wanting" our home. Rather than avoiding this space, we draw our consciousness into it, finding the richest sensations of our experience. This gap—simultaneously full and wanting, alluring and frustrating—calls us to expand.
Anticipation is a cornerstone of Eros. It invites us to lean into the sensations of yearning, allowing desire to build organically. In this space, we learn to embrace both the bitter and the sweet, the pleasure and the discomfort, finding depth in the tension.
Ultimately, to experience true connection, we must admit and hold the weight of our own desire. Eros is impersonal to all of our mental reservations and holdouts. It extends a clear invitation: put Eros first or cling to everything else. There is no middle path.
When we allow desire to draw us through resistance into intimacy with life on its own terms, we access love and generosity that wants more from us than any human-constructed standard of morality or integrity ever could. Desire wants deep, hard work, exquisite care, and genuine wholeness—not just a checklist of behaviors.
So, does absence make a man miss you? Only if that absence is in service of stoking the deeper desire that connects us—to ourselves, to our partners, and to the electricity of life itself. Anything else leads to a sterile disconnect, not the allure of erotic space between.
Paradoxically, prioritizing your authentic desires, even when it leads to time apart, fuels aliveness and intimacy in relationships. Consistently suppressing your wants to maintain proximity drains the relationship of vital energy. Allow absence in service of stoking deeper connection.
Emotional depth comes from staying open to the full complexity of emotions without disconnecting, even when it's difficult. Emotionality lacks this anchored quality, rapidly flitting between surface-level feelings. Truly intimate relationships require the vulnerability and resilience of emotional depth.
Make the gap between having and wanting your home. Draw your awareness into the rich sensations available in that space - the bitter and sweet, alluring and frustrating. Savor rising desire. This erotic tension, rather than constant gratification, is where profound connection lives.