In a goal-oriented world, the experience of anticipation is akin to torture. We have somewhere to go, somewhere to get to. The pressure builds within us, and we can’t wait to exit into the relief of accomplishment. In Eros, it is the increasing of Erotic potential that allows us to expand and savor. The rational mind sees the moment we presently find ourselves in as insufficient, always creating a goal to escape to something better. Because we already have such a buildup of undischarged tumescence, we feel like a pressure cooker; the thought of deliberately building sensation seems unbearable.
To the rational mind, there is only one side to the pole, always wanting something other than what we already have. In Eros, we are at home in the mind that approves of what is, and thus seated in the full, saturated perfection of this moment. The consideration to add more saturation, more concentration, to what is already perceived as good becomes desirable. In Eros, we begin with having, so the perfect counterpart that adds the needed dynamic tension rather than mere intention is wanting.
Few people have been trained to skillfully want: to reach for a stroke, to allow space for desire to build. We are so accustomed to a feeling of hypersensitivity that the moment real sensation starts to come alive, we experience it as uncomfortable and are inclined to rub it out. We know how to consume ad infinitum in order to blot out the discomfort of all that our senses have consumed. To the overfull nervous system, any incoming sensation seems to knock up against the ceiling of what we can receive. But we do not know the true art of savoring, which is, in fact, the height of sensation.
The feeling of having is a part of coming down after expansion. We do not know how to do this well, and tend to skip over the integration that is part and parcel with having. We hunger, consume, and receive, but we do not acknowledge. As a result, we return to hungering.
In Eros, we learn to anticipate by savoring. We listen for the deep, rich chords of yearning. Rather than avoiding the gap between having and wanting, we make the gap our home. We discover that drawing our mind into this space brings us into the richest sensations of our experience. In this gap, Eros opens to reveal the richness that lies in between, a richness that makes the flavor complex and opens us to abiding enjoyment rather than fleeting pleasure.
In this gap resides the opposites. The in-between is bitter and sweet, pleasant and painful, full and wanting, alluring and eternally frustrating. This gap calls forth an aspect of our selves that is able to fill the open space. That aspect is consciousness. Bringing in consciousness takes us into the undeniable totality of the whole, and not just the aspects we glamorize.
In other words, anticipation expands us. We witness our relationship to the unknown manifest. The question is: do we meet the unknown with the anxiety of needing to know, or do we lead with our ignited potential, hungry to demonstrate our prowess? We are seeing, at a deeper level, our relationship to power. Saturated with power, we know our resilience and our potential for recovery. We can afford to delight in the unknown—for it to develop our skills, to demonstrate our ability, and to face the inevitable failures that will grow us.
As our experience in the gap teaches us, arousal is anxiety turned outward. When anxiety has pummeled us enough, we try something new, and the once-locked door of savoring opens. Savoring brings us to an Erotic truth: not only will this life never be consummated where the gap between the self and the other is closed, we do not actually want it to be closed.
It is only in this gap where dynamic aliveness is free to flow. We discover that what happens within this in-between place is what we have been looking for. What we desired was an excuse to draw us to where true desire exists. Once we are bathed in this truth, attainment of what drew us is of less importance, and enjoyment upon reception is that much greater.