“I can't feel you.” It seemed like a strange thing for a girl to say. I didn't understand what she meant, but I did know she was explaining why we hadn't had sex in the week and a half she'd spent at my apartment. I'd met her on Tinder, she'd slept in my bed, and we'd kissed and cuddled a bit, but it didn't go any farther.
At that point, I was twenty-three, and my longest romantic relationship had lasted six months. Once I chose to be sober, I realized I did not have any real connections. Most of my social circle was people I worked with, waiting tables. After moving out of my parents' house, I took an apartment with a friend from high school, and I soon discovered I didn't know him all that well. He decided to adopt a puppy, which I did not favor, and I couldn't stand up to him, even though having a dog violated our lease. I swallowed my reactions while secretly feeling resentful. I wasn't in contact with the complexity of my emotions and had no way to verbalize my feelings. I wasn't equipped to have a satisfying friendship or a successful romance.
When I discovered Orgasmic Meditation (OM), I thought it might help me get closer to women. One thing I liked about the people I met through OM was their ability to ask questions and be genuinely interested. They seemed to feel things a lot. After a few OMs, I had lunch with a woman I'd met through the community, and she told me how the practice had helped me feel more comfortable being intimate with men and feeling safe with them. It was one of the first real conversations I had with a woman.
I started to understand the female experience in our society and how I have contributed, unconsciously or sometimes consciously, to the sense of domination by men. I would have had a lot of trouble hearing her words if I hadn't already begun to learn from Orgasmic Meditation (OM) how to hold sensation in my body. It would have been easy to react defensively, or else I could have been submissive and apologetic, but instead, I could listen, hold the sensation, and still feel sturdy.
This ability came from my experience of adjustments. During OMs, the way I'm stroking might be off the spot, so my partner can make requests to change the stroke. At first, I heard requests that were harsh or angry. I also learned that sometimes women hold in the request and then feel irritable by the time they verbalize it. When this would happen, I used to feel ashamed. But I learned how to turn inward to feel that shame and embrace it, and then I can turn to the real intention, which is not to upset me but just to adjust the stroke. And then the momentary emotion moves away. I don't internalize it. I don't take the other person's irritation personally because it's not about me.
One time, I was making an offer during an OM, where I suggested changes in stroking based on my impulses about what would feel good to both of us. She answered the first few offers and didn't say anything after that. I went round and round about everything I might be doing wrong, wondering what had upset her. Then the bell rang to end the OM, and when I turned around to help her get up, I saw she had fallen asleep. It was a visceral way to learn that what's happening in my head is not always what's happening.
I have a partner I've been with for a year and a half. We have a lot in common, and she's pretty self-aware since she's done a lot of therapy, although she doesn't OM. She likes how much she can feel that my attention is on her. She'll ask me if I've seen some object, and I'll say, “It's right here. I brought it to you because I thought you would need it.” I can hold space for her and engage with her in difficult conversations without reacting. That's something that I learned through Orgasmic Meditation by being able to hear the adjustments being given.
There are times when my partner has been mad at me, and she has pulled away and then been surprised that I don't seem upset. I get annoyed, but I tell her I understand she did it because she's used to not trusting people. She pulls away and then expects them to pull away, too. But if I stay present with her long enough, she will come out of it because it's not what she wants. We have an open relationship. I value the safety I feel when I express my sexual desire for other people. I have permission to be authentic. Unlike before Orgasmic Meditation, when I couldn't even tell my roommate he shouldn't have a dog, I was able to speak up and have my feelings be heard. And it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with my relationship with my partner. I can ask for what I want without shame.
