Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been very sensitive and able to pick up complex, unspoken nuances from people around me. I could sense emotions or intonations more than hear words. I was very perceptive about other forms of communication that weren't well recognized.
As a result, I was taught I was different—and not in a good way. To my parents, the word “sensitive” was a derogatory way to describe me, a pejorative way to denote my perceptions of certain things. And since we’re all shaped by the messages we receive from our parents and people around us when we're young, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to change myself to get away from that assessment.
I smoked a lot of pot, got involved with artsy things, and spent a lot of time paying attention to other people and empathizing with others. I also developed a kind of learned helplessness because I was so prone to making things more complicated and complex than they were, paying attention to these subtle things. I rarely looked at things in a straightforward way, which is probably one of the reasons I ended up as a floor trader in the capital markets. It’s a complex, nuanced business.
I heard about Orgasmic Meditation back when I lived in San Francisco, but I didn’t get involved in it. Years later, a friend had a booth at an expo, and I accompanied her. There was an Orgasmic Meditation—OM booth there, and I ended up signing up for the introductory class. In my first OM, I felt a lot of anticipation. But, being so eager, it was over very quickly. Afterward, after I came down off the high, I felt a little disgusted by the whole thing. But at the same time, I was also intrigued. So, I did it again.
Staying in the container and following all the rules didn't feel natural. It felt like I was being boxed into a method, which I didn't like. During the first five to ten OMs, I also felt pain in my body during the sessions. I felt uncomfortable. Frankly, I never found any benefit to the container, but all the women I OMed with did.
I experienced a deep intimacy and a sense of blending with my partners. Sometimes, it was hard to tell where one person started and the other person ended. It wasn't a new experience for me, being so sensitive. But during the Orgasmic Meditation - OM sessions, that sensitivity got amplified. And there was a pleasantness to the shared connection. I was so accustomed to making other people uncomfortable because of how deeply I could connect with them, and it was so different for me with Orgasmic Meditation.
After the first session, when I was so uncomfortable, a teacher suggested that perhaps I was too busy tuning into my partner and that I should focus more on myself. That was incredibly insightful. Since then, I’ve been listening to myself, and not just in the Orgasmic Meditation sessions. And it’s certainly served me. Focusing on myself, I felt less pain in practice. I experienced the circuitry of electricity from my partner’s clitoris into my finger up my arm and through my body, out through my head, and then down the other side of my body. It was like feeling a current of electricity. Also, the step where I would place my hands on my partner's legs before touching her genitals felt a very high sensation to me because it was a moment of initiating intimacy. It was sort of like a signal for the connection to establish itself.
And all that energetic receptivity was something I hadn't experienced before. It was something special and unique at that point in my life. It increased my receptivity to women and taught me that letting the woman take the lead was okay. Orgasmic Meditation taught me the value of grounding myself, being present, and paying attention to what I'm doing, not just being reactive, pulled here and there by impulse. I’ve learned to check in and ask, “Is this really what I want? Is this aligned with my goals or who I am?” I still like to tune into others and their desires. I find that enjoyable. But at the same time, I’ve gained a measure of freedom because I don’t care what people think about me anymore. I’ve learned the freedom in just doing me.
