I remember the moment it happened. I was in our bedroom, the door was open, and my boyfriend was in the living room playing Dungeons and Dragons. I was just sitting in bed feeling unfulfilled—feeling this desire for something more, longing for something deeper and more meaningful. I remember being curious why I hadn't had it and still felt so unfulfilled and alone.
I had accessed realms of magic through nature and psychedelics. I could feel that there were other portals to explore —gateways to expanded states of awareness. Sitting there, I realized the magic I knew to be present in life was utterly missing. “I need to have my own bedroom,” I thought. “I need to create my ritual space that contains just my own energy.” It was like watching a series of dominoes fall. One realization after another hit me in a wave as I became clearer and clearer. There were deeper layers to my body and my very divinity than I was accessing. My boyfriend, Jonathan, was a lovely, sweet man, completely unlike my previous relationships, which were super emotionally abusive and volatile. But there was more than a little something missing. “I've been compromised and been compromising,” I thought. “And I can’t do it anymore.”
It was scary because I didn’t know what the future would bring. However, as soon as I ended my relationship with Jonathan, I went on a long nature hike. I remember being surrendered and in total prayer. As soon as I turned off the main trail and began following one of the less-traveled paths deeper into the forest, this butterfly appeared before me, fluttering up and down in this beautiful spiral. Then she landed right on my head, and everything stood still. At that moment, I knew without a doubt that Mother Nature was communicating with me, letting me know She was still there with me. And to not be afraid.
Determined to find out what I’d been missing, I began exploring various healing modalities. Eventually, one of my practitioners mentioned that I might want to learn to practice Orgasmic Meditation. I'd never heard about it before but was open to it.
I attended an Orgasmic Meditation (OM) event and learned the practice. I quickly discovered there are multiple layers and textures to OM. Turns out I had fears about asking for OMs from people I was more attracted to versus less attracted to. And OMing was such an amazing opportunity to really soften into receiving, releasing all my agendas about getting anywhere. It was a huge opportunity to get to know my body and really let go of any part of me that I thought I needed to perform —to make sounds to let the guy know he was doing a good job.
I realized that a big part of the magic I sought occurs when you release agendas and any attachment to the outcome. I understood that when I have an idea of where I want to go, whether in the Orgasmic Meditation practice or life, it can often block me from connecting to the unseen forces that can reveal things I would never have imagined.
I learned through Orgasmic Meditation (OM) to receive from a place of pure curiosity. The sense of wonder and delight that followed this openness showed me a huge world exists if you stay present with subtle sensations long enough. I would drop into my OMs and almost forget where I was, entering into an otherworldly space, melting into a warm river of weightless, pulsing currents of energy moving through my body. It was like I was in an anti-gravity chamber—a circuit of pulsing energy without the consciousness of “I.” And then the timer would go off, and I would come back and wonder, “Where were we?”
I’ve discovered there is nothing to fear, that I can go into the darkest locations I could possibly access within myself and be safe. No judgment. No agenda. No need to change anything. Just pure presence with what is. And that is magic. That is freedom. That changes everything.
