Whenever my grandmother visited, there was a list of things I was not allowed to do. According to Grandma, the children did not help out in the kitchen. They had to be quiet and couldn't run in the house. I would try to be on my very best behavior when she was there because she was never shy about telling me to sit still or pull my dress over my knees. After one visit, I was proud that I had been so good, and I pointed out to my mother that Grandma hadn't criticized me. “Well, honey,” Mom replied, “she said something to me.” I was devastated. I had not been good enough.
My mother had miscarried several times, and I was an only child. “We wanted more kids, and we got you,” my parents told me. Because of their disappointment, I felt pressure to live up to their expectations and always tried to make them happy. That attitude continued into my career, where I was always careful not to make people angry or say anything unkind because it might upset them. If I made other people happy, I thought that would make them like me, and then I felt loved. My life revolved around caring for others, including my dad, boss, and godbrother, who always created messes. None of them seemed to hear me when I said I was overwhelmed. Meanwhile, I dreamed of finding a partner who would love and care for me for a change.
My friend Franny told me about a new experience with her boyfriend, Jacob. She described the Orgasmic Meditation practice, and I said, “I'm so glad you can do that with your boyfriend. Too bad I don't have a boyfriend to do it with.” “Oh, but he does it with other people, too,” she said. I thought that was beyond weird at first, but the more Franny told me about the practice, the more I began to understand how it was different from anything sex-related. When she described the energy she got from OMing, I was even more interested because I was feeling low-energy at the time. I had just explored a romantic relationship after years of celibacy, and it had been so toxic I wondered why I had bothered to abandon celibacy.
My first OM—Orgasmic Meditation, with Franny's permission, was with Jacob. At the beginning, I didn't feel anything. It seemed like nothing was happening. Then, all of a sudden, my whole body was streaming with electricity and heat. By the end, I felt cleaned out. It seemed clear that my body had been holding onto a lot of tension released by the OM. As I continued practicing, I found that OMing brought clarity and centering. After a session, it was easier to focus and stay present with whatever was happening. My husband, Harry, and I now use Orgasmic Meditation specifically for that purpose. In the mornings, we OM and check in, and it improves our communication.
My Orgasmic Meditation (OM) practice showed me that if I didn't take time for my own fulfillment, it didn't matter how much I wanted to do for somebody else since there wasn't anything to give. Setting boundaries was a loving thing to do. I also saw that I needed to give from a desire to give, not because I wanted people to like me. And that meant saying no sometimes.
OM—Orgasmic Meditation gives me practice asking what I want and deciding when to say yes or no. If the stroker's finger isn't right on the spot, I don't have to make him wrong. I say, “Please move a little to the right.” Then he says thank you, and I say thank you because he acknowledges my request. And then he moves over to the right. Maybe he's on the spot now, but if not, I can go ahead and ask for another adjustment. “Can you stroke a little lower?”
“Okay, thank you.” He never says, “No, you can't have it,” or, “Are you sure?” But he can make an offer: “Would you like a faster stroke?” I feel into it and say yes or no. I always have that choice, and no is always an acceptable answer. I've taken this into my life, and it's been revolutionary, asking for what I want clearly and deliberately and making choices based on me, not what someone else wants or thinks.
I still have work to do. I can't sew a hem on a dress because I can still hear my grandmother's voice in my head, saying, “You did it wrong. The stitch shouldn't show on the other side.” I haven't gotten rid of that one yet. But I know I'm still lovable even if I can't do everything right. Orgasmic Meditation (OM) has given me many wonderful tools that enable me to get through the ups and downs. My life isn't continually smooth sailing. But the ups are always wonderful, and when I'm down, I know how to stay present and be aware that there's power in that down, momentum that will eventually create new learning. It's like in an OM, which starts slow and mellow and then builds. You have that rise, and then you come back down and ground with downstrokes at the end, knowing something has changed in you. Orgasmic Meditation (OM) is a metaphor for life.
