I grew up in the Filipino culture and the Catholic religion. Growing up, there was a lot of strictness, social rules, and shame and shame-based language. I constantly heard things like, “Shame on you.” Or, “If you do this, you'll bring shame upon the family.” I've been overweight for most of my life and was shamed a lot for that. Growing up, I felt unattractive. Because of that, I didn’t feel worthy of certain things like appreciation and acknowledgment. I basically negated my body a lot.
Socially, I got along well with many different types of people, but it was hard for me to dive deep when it came to intimate relationships. I was always looking for the perfect match, a match that was something out of the fairy tale. I had expectations of men that they could never live up to. I would always blame the other person for being the one who couldn't go deep. As a result, I had the same types of short-lived relationships over and over again.
I heard about Orgasmic Meditation from a guy I was starting to date a couple of years ago. He told me that he did the practice for enjoyment but also as a way to ground and settle himself. When he said it was a practice that was highly consensual and that the woman was in control of her entire experience, I was intrigued. He said, “You can say yes to everything, and you can also say no at any time.” That hit home. Growing up, consent was not very well valued. As a child, cultural values impressed me. I was always being told what to do and what to think. And I had a lot of different experiences with sexual trauma where there was no consent, no agreement. So, anything grounded in consent feels very healing to me.
In my first OM—Orgasmic Meditation—I remember being self-conscious but trusting the process. My partner checked in constantly to see if I was okay. I didn’t feel much sensation the first time, and he politely asked if I would like to OM again. There was some sensation the second time, but there was also a lot of confusion in my mind over mapping out where the sensations were occurring in my body.
My next OM was with someone I knew less well. That was my first practice in trying to develop trust with somebody new. It helped that the stroker named the different steps of what he would do. “I'm going to step over you now,” he would say. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. I think doing that is very important for anyone who's had any kind of trauma.
Looking back, I see that I’ve learned so many things. I am much more appreciative of my shape. Even though I’m probably one of the heaviest weights I've ever been, I'm still getting the genuine vibe of attraction and appreciation from men. Since starting to practice Orgasmic Meditation, I have been able to look at things in a much more value-neutral way—including my own body. One of the important things I’ve learned is the ability to say, “Yes, thank you,” and “No, thank you.” I have free will and choice, and it took me a long time to realize how I could use that in my life outside of the OM container.
The adjustment piece has also been very significant because it helped me learn how to map and understand my body. Because I had negated it for so long, to settle down into my body and get to appreciate it and know it better was truly significant. One of my strokers recently told me he was impressed by how well I know my body. I am pretty proud of the fact that I can really feel it and know exactly where something is, what feels right, and what needs adjusting. It’s helping me practice being aware of other things in my body during the day, like when I feel a buzzing in my chest, a stomach ache, or a tingling in my hands. Rather than ignoring sensations when they come up, I’ve learned to pay attention and see where they lead.
Another thing I’ve healed is the shame-based vocabulary in my head. It just doesn’t affect me like it used to. When something happens, I no longer automatically think, “Oh, what did I do wrong this time? Why am I like this? Why can't I be like somebody else?” I can access a neutral frame and be an observer in my life. For example, one of my favorite employees recently left my employment. My first reaction was, “What could I have done better? Why is she leaving me? Am I that bad of a boss?” But because I've hit that spot many times, I’m suspicious of those automatic negative conclusions. I reframed the situation and chose to remember that when I was her age, I was seeking new experiences. I realized we’d had a mother-daughter relationship, and she was ready to find her way. I realized that her leaving had nothing to do with me.
Orgasmic Meditation helped me discover my personal purpose. I'm birthing the creative self, the artist who is passionate about family engagement and social change. I’ve realized that one of my biggest passions is making sure that the parents in our communities have many support services. In helping others, I'm finding that I'm healing myself.
