I missed the exploratory teenage and early 20s years. Being a mom and a wife—I’ve been a mom since I was 16—there was no chance to explore a lot of different things in life. Instead, I became everything to everyone else.
Five kids later, by the time I left my marriage (my husband fell in love with another woman), I had lost the sense of who I was as a woman. I was really bitchy and depressed, feeling like my voice was not being heard in the world in a relevant way. Eighteen months past the divorce, I knew it was time to redesign my life and myself, but I really didn't have a lot of direction and was feeling drained and confused.
Around that time, I met someone who told me about OM—Orgasmic Meditation. As we talked, I realized how good I was at cutting off my emotions. I knew I didn’t want any emotional attachment with anyone. That conversation inspired me, so I signed up for an event to learn how to OM. I realized during that first OM that I had some shame about my body. Five children had come out of my body, and my fourth child was really, really big. I had a tear on my labia, and suddenly, I realized I was afraid of how that looked. I felt self-conscious. I told my OM partner, and just saying it relieved the worry. That first OM - Orgasmic Meditation was about connection, feeling good in my body, and healing, all at the same time.
In my first year of OMing, I felt as though I was filling up. I had been empty for so many years. I had spent since I was 16 years old giving to other people, being in survival mode, trying to give every part of myself away. I remember a friend who did a tarot card reading for me once said, “You're not even in your own life. You're not even in your own cards!” And she was right! I knew everybody's Christmas list. But I didn't know my own. And now I wanted to change all that and fill myself up.
I used to have so many rules. I was trying to be the perfect person who gave my children and everyone around me the perfect experience. Now, after six years of practicing Orgasmic Meditation, my relationships have all changed with my current boyfriend, my children, and everyone in my life. My relationships are so much better because I learned how to feel more. I learned how to get out of my head and stop being so controlling. I learned I didn't have to do everything right. I learned I didn’t have to give until I was beyond empty, running on fumes. I learned the more I surrender, the more I feel and the more I can provide to others from a filled-up place of overflow.
Now I know to follow what feels good. I listen to my intuition. I know there is no such thing as a perfect path—sometimes, there's no path at all. Who knows? There’s just taking life one day at a time.
