Although I’ve always experienced a lack of confidence in meeting the opposite sex, for some reason, I’ve always attracted beautiful women. And yet, I didn’t know how to be in a relationship—how to hold and maintain a relationship.
I pretty much married the first woman who looked right on paper, by which I mean she had the right face, the same cultural and familial background, and the same higher educational background that I did. I had no understanding of who she was as a personality and person. She was interested in me and was very successful in her particular profession, which was good enough. Not surprisingly, a couple of children and many years later, it all blew up.
Throughout much of the marriage, there was this chronic dissatisfaction on her part. Because of that, I spend more time at work and less time at home. The sex became more and more infrequent. There was finally so much conflict that we couldn’t enjoy each other, our children, or what we had built together. I long thought, “It was her; it was all on her.” But as time passed and I began to get into serious seeking, I decided to find out what my part was at the end of my marriage.
Once I started asking introspective questions, the answers appeared very quickly. I realized, prior to and throughout my marriage, that I was always seeking approval. And that approval-seeking behavior was basically a kiss of death. I would have all these inner expectations of getting approval. For example, I often shop for the home so my wife can feel rested. But the real reason I did that was for her to come to me and say, “Oh my god, I love you for doing this for me.” But I never communicated my needs.
I just figured I’d do things and receive the pure appreciation and acknowledgement I craved. It worked a little at first, but then the appreciation faded. I wore her down with my need. I can see it clearly now, but at the time, it was very painful and confusing, and I frequently experienced huge moments of despair and disconnection. I was a doormat in my relationships. And then, once in a while, when things get really heated up, I’d turn into this jerk and blow up because it was all too much.
I found Orgasmic Meditation a few months after we knew that the divorce was 100 percent in the process. I was in business startup mode and went online to explore platforms and what other people were doing. And I started to click, click, click, and suddenly, a page about Orgasmic Meditation (OM) popped up. I remember just reading about it, and it elevated my heart rate. I thought I knew everything that existed under the sun, and suddenly, there was this thing that I didn't know about. I went to my first event on a Tuesday afternoon in Santa Monica.
You know, in meditation, there comes the point when you suddenly lose all those thoughts occupying your mind, nagging at you. That was my experience at that first event. All my thoughts were gone, and there were beautiful people around who seemed to be very kind and engaging. I was just trying to figure out what was going on. I remember talking to one guy who said, “It's more than what you think it is at this point.” And, of course, all I was thinking about was sex and women. And so I thought, “Okay, we'll see!”
After my second or third event, I decided to sign up to learn the practice. My teacher was a gentleman with excellent business acumen. But more than that, he was sincerely interested in people's well-being and healing. I saw how he was running his energy, and his dedication to the work helped me to trust him enough to engage. In my first Orgasmic Meditation (OM), my heart felt like it was jumping out of my body. I was sweating profusely and felt pure electricity, and inside all my fingers, I could feel a million bubbles that I could point and direct. At first, I was highly skeptical and questioned all aspects of Orgasmic Meditation. It seemed too good to be true. It carried all the benefits of having these moments of connection without the divorce afterwards. I kept having these “aha!” moments. And that’s what kept me going back.
It's almost impossible to take one OM and highlight it because each OM has its own value. But I do recall one session. My whole inner core opened up, and it was as if the whole blue sky had moved inside my core. I was floating, feeling a buoyancy as if the blueness of the sky had come down, overtaken my body, and just lifted me up. And the only thing that was physically happening was my index finger gently stroking a clitoris.
One of my biggest aha moments was when a woman who must have been four inches taller than me and very beautiful asked me if I would like to OM. There was a powerful attraction, but we kept the container. It was then that I understood what it means to hold the container in a pristine way and how important it is. Also, I realized there is much more to attraction than just the initial physical notion of who I'm attracted to.
Early on, given my need for approval, there was always a fear in me of being judged. And I was still seeking approval. But then, little by little, I came to this place where I could take comfort and confidence in the fact that I could hold a container. It really doesn't matter how many adjustments I’m asked for—actually, now, the more, the better. I no longer take them personally. Instead of being needy, I exude a feeling of trust that I bring into those 15 minutes by strictly holding that container. And intuitively, women can read that. In that trust, the connection becomes much deeper, and they can just let go in a much bigger way. I'm not going into the Orgasmic Meditation as a purely physical thing, but I also want to bring in the emotional and spiritual components they can trust.
There is a grounded feeling that comes. You're not performing. You’re allowing the healing to flow through you. And because a woman's feminine sense of intuition is generally higher than a man’s, once they sense the realness and the authenticity, all of a sudden, the element of trust becomes bigger, and the connection goes deeper.
At the beginning of my practice, I was so shut off. Now, through a tremendous amount of work, I'm actually able to say that I’m responsible for my own needs. I cannot expect approval from any human being; it's too much for them. Interestingly, as I have gained more and more insight into this, the floodgates have opened, and more women are coming into my life. Unlike in the past, I now know how to connect with them in a deep way.
Orgasmic Meditation has also taught me that almost every relationship can be seen in the context of the container. Every interaction requires exquisite attention, permission, honesty, and integrity. It’s wonderful that I can bring some of the principles from the Orgasmic Meditation practice into real life.
