As an independent producer in the film industry in Los Angeles, I tried to keep my real self under wraps. Movies and shows, by nature, aren’t necessarily authentic or vulnerable spaces. The “Biz” is still very much dominated by men, so vulnerable and authentic just don’t pay off. The bottom line is that the less vulnerable and feminine I was, the better I did and the safer I was.
Living in LA and being in the Biz, I ended up with a pretty big ego. I was very attached to certain identities, like being a successful executive and a woman who owned her own home. I was sought after. I was a person who was someone. I was a mother with great children. On top of all these personas, I also had a lot of good girl conditioning. Things would work out if I worked hard, did my job, and kept my nose clean.
And then, one day, I found myself out in Calgary, Canada, standing in the freezing cold while producing a show that wasn’t going well. The weather wasn’t cooperating. The actors were having their own dramas. The network decided they didn't like a wardrobe. That sort of thing. Every day was a mountain to climb.
I found myself feeling terrible about being away from my kids, who were my adorable little Munchkins. “What am I doing this for? I wondered. “Why am I here?” So I flew my husband out with the kids, thinking that would be fun for all of us. But then that Monday, when he came to visit me on set, he brought the kids into the room where I was working and said to me, “I'm just a glorified babysitter to you. What am I even doing here?”
As shocking as it was, my immediate reaction was, “Yeah, that's true.” And so I started reevaluating what I was doing—at least in terms of my domestic situation. Not long afterwards, I left my husband and took on the next role: successful single mom.
At that point, I went on a quest for love. I went on a date with a guy who represented just the kind of person I wanted to be with. We met for drinks and had a great first date, but I didn’t know where to stop it. I knew I had to keep the brakes on and be “good.”I had so much desire, and yet my mind was so busy I couldn't actually be in the moment with him. It was so painful and one of the things that actually drew me to Orgasmic Meditation (OM).
That first time, taking my pants off in front of my Orgasmic Meditation partner was revolutionary. It felt like I was doing my part to take the lid off of my ancestors’ programming, my upbringing, and my conditioning. Finally, I was in a space where the feminine was venerated, which was transformational.
When I started OMing, I realized I could not feel into things or even know my own inclinations. I felt more like a passenger than a driver, which completely demolished the ivory tower of images I had in place about myself.
And yet, at the same time, it gave me the strength to learn what really matters. There's a certain lightness that comes when you OM, but at the same time, when you’re OMing, you can’t ignore things or paint them over. There's a way it brings issues into stark relief because you drop into your body and drop into what's present. You’re connected to life and yourself and others in a real way.
Orgasmic Meditation even opened the doors to transcendent states. I found that if I did three OM practice sessions in a row, I could see/feel the synapses in my brain start to merge. Suddenly, I had access to caverns of memory that I had been unable to access. I was able to remember things I hadn't been able to remember. I experienced an egoless kind of feeling of just being part of everything.
In the last year since COVID, there’s been no work. The studios aren’t calling me. But I’m now sensitive enough to realize that that’s not the spot for me anymore. I could go after it. But I'm not--I’m listening for the deeper thing. I'm being called to surrender to a relationship with this moment and the next and see what comes. And it's actually the scariest place that I've been in. But I can't settle for the same old life. I can't settle for the same level of relationship.
When the pandemic hit, it was like what I always wanted. I actually got to be home with my girls. I was finally able to be a full-time mother, live in my house, clean the corners, cook, bake, and garden. I’ve paired my life down to its simplest form. And it feels awesome. Both Orgasmic Meditation (OM) and COVID have given me the opportunity to feel everything—grief and joy. Desire and transcendence. They both have given me permission to go into the depths. And there’s no place else I’d rather be.
