I grew up hating being an Asian woman. I carried a lot of shame and had a very disconnected relationship with my culture and my family—especially my mother. She had and has lots of addictions and has always dealt with depression. After I grew up, I didn’t want to be around her or my father. And I didn't want to stay in South Korea. As soon as possible, I married a French man and moved away to France.
I felt so good leaving my parents and that part of the world, disconnecting from my roots. I had been feeling stuck. I had no idea what my body needed or how to manage my energy. I got a scholarship and continued my education in France. My husband and I were devoted to each other. We did our best to relate. But we couldn't; something basic just didn't work between us. So there I was in France with a deteriorating marriage, dealing with a huge chunk of my life that I was trying to heal. Because, happy as I was to be as far away from my culture and my family as I could get, leaving family and culture is not something that is integrated easily.
It was my husband who found Orgasmic Meditation (OM) online. My first impression when he suggested it was, “That's sweet.” In my first OM session, I remember saying to my husband, “That’s it?” I could not yet feel much in my body. It was like I was disconnected from my body and what was happening, but I remember my emotions being rather vivid. Even so, I didn't talk much when it came time to share frames. I remember that I just sat there and cried. After that, I didn't want to do the practice. Yet I also felt how powerful it was, so I kept going. After three times, I could feel something opening, something awakening in me, and I felt a little high during the week of those first three OMs. But then I didn't do the practice for about eight months afterward.
Meanwhile, I tried doing other kinds of meditation, which looked more “normal” than Orgasmic Meditation. But eventually, I was pulled to try it again. This time, I surrendered to my desire and felt intense sensations. To my amazement, my hunger started opening up. Something I had tried hard to keep tamped down for a very long time just started coming out—which is not surprising considering the modesty of Asian culture. I felt my sexual appetite increase—but more than that, I felt my soul wanting to meet other people and have fun with them and connect. I remember that during one OM, there was the sound of rain outside the window. And I realized that I could feel the rain and what seemed like rainwater—water drops—hitting my body. Oh, my God, I thought. Wow! It's such a simple thing. Feel who you are and what is around you, and be connected to it. All the sensations that you were not aware of before.
I started to learn where to put my attention. I learned I could slow down my thinking processes and notice my emotions. I could constructively direct energy toward the things and situations I wanted to change. I also started getting honest with my husband. We talked a lot about OMing, and I remember him looking at me differently at one point. It was like he was asking himself, “Who is this woman? Where is my Hana?” And I couldn’t blame him. I could scarcely recognize myself. I had the same face I used to have, but a different me was coming out. He is now my ex-husband.
One really good lesson I learned from Orgasmic Meditation is to always look at what is there, not things that are not there. For the longest time, I thought my parents were not good enough because my mom has addictions, and my father is always watching television and smoking. I wanted them to be different. But after practicing Orgasmic Meditation for a while, I could see they loved me.
I finally developed the sensitivity and awareness to see what’s been there all along. I saw how much I continuously judged my parents, especially my mother. I really couldn't see them as they were. No wonder I was running away! I couldn't meet them until I’d cleared out all the illusions, guilt, and feelings of obligation. I also saw that all my interactions with other Asian women had been equally biased. Sometime soon, when it feels right, I want to return to South Korea. In the meantime, I am allowing myself to read Korean books, eat Korean food, and do whatever other Korean things I want. I'm a unique mixture of things, but I'm basically made in Korea. It's taken me a very long time to come home, and because of Orgasmic Meditation, I’m on my way.
