Through my journey with Orgasmic Meditation (OM), I’ve learned that as a cis male, I have to teach myself to feel. It’s an ongoing process, and I’m still working on it. But now, I have the tools to notice the physical sensations that arise with my emotions, and I can stay with them—knowing that they will pass.
Years ago, I was in a toxic relationship that was on again, off again, for four or five years. I’m a Londoner and a photographer, and she was American. Throughout our tumultuous, chronic breakups, I was unable to hold up my boundaries, and I became reactive. Whether she was right or wrong, or whatever she did or didn't do—it doesn’t matter. I was completely drunk on trying to be heard. On a base level, I felt hurt, though I wasn’t acknowledging that. The pressure built up in me through the turbulence in our relationship and other things happening around me. It got to a point where I saw red.
What I know now that I didn’t know then is that there are warning signs in your body during situations like that. Alarm bells are ringing. You're clenching your teeth. Your heart is racing. But whatever is happening in your body is just a sensation. The dangerous part is allowing those sensations to turn into emotions and letting those emotions drive your actions.
I try not to hide away from my past. I can't correct it, and I can't change it. But that person was a different version of me. I’m someone else now. A lot changed when I began to explore the path of Orgasmic Meditation (OM), which took my focus out of my head and into my body. I have found that following my own path without judgment allows me to know what I like and don't like. And it allows me to grow in ways I could have never anticipated.
I recently went through another breakup with a different woman with whom I’d been involved for a little over a year. She was someone I was physically magnetized to—with a mane of long black hair, a stunning smile, and an easy laugh. The part that didn’t work for me was that she was insecure. My mum was insecure, so that was familiar to me. I tried to work on handling that part of my girlfriend. There were some successes and some failures, but it was work. It wasn't easy.
Though we had problems in our relationship, I wanted to keep trying. When I asked her what she wanted, she was confused. So, I gave her time to think about it. When it came time for the big conversation, I knew what was coming.
I tried to accept that she was going to break it off with me, and I intended to really listen to what she had to say. But during the actual conversation, in person, I could feel my chest tightening and my heart pumping. I could sense myself being triggered and gritting my teeth while speaking. But I could catch myself and notice that my body was telling me something.
Noticing sensation is a key part of Orgasmic Meditation during the stroking practice. In real life and in conversations like with my girlfriend, the sensation in my body gives me information. Once I notice it, I can tell myself to relax: Let go of your head and your mouth, and breathe. Sometimes, I can slow my heart down. At one point in the conversation, I could feel that things were heading toward the red zone. It was a millisecond of awareness, but I was able to say, “Should we stop for a moment?” We needed a timeout. We needed to get out of our stories and stop trying to be right.
When you do that, you can take a breath, let go of the tension in your chest, and allow your heart to drop. You can reset it. It’s about noticing when you need to pause or when you need to leave. It’s knowing your boundaries. There's always a story, and there’s always blame. However, separating the emotion from the sensation helps dissolve the story.
I’m not always perfect at it, and I wasn’t perfect during that conversation. There are still things I wish I hadn't said. But in the end, I could leave without shouting and cursing. I was able to stay conscious and aware of myself. When I do that, I can drive my body—instead of my body driving me. It’s a skill that I can work on and am working on.
The journey continues for me, and I’m grateful for finding this path of self-discovery. I’m trying to make myself into the person I want to be around. The one who’s happy and free—like I am with my mates. The one who feels heard and accepted, but most of all, who is conscious, aware, and connected.
