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A Catalyst to Accepting My Identity

by Brittany Wagstaff

I’ve always been driven to learn new things and have lived my life in a deeply immersive way, diving into very deep experiences. In high school I was an exchange student living in Perth, Australia. After that I ended up in South Africa for a year. I really couldn't focus on college, sitting around reading textbooks. It just wasn’t interactive enough for me.

Desire for Family

When I was 23, I was very driven to have a family. I was dating a man who was a geology grad student. We fell in together really easily and started a family dynamic that was kind of a continuation of my childhood—meaning we moved a lot. Family was the binding factor, and I was definitely the driving marital force keeping us together. But there were underlying interpersonal issues. I desperately wanted more intimacy, and being a wife and mother wasn’t satisfying that. I felt unseen and, strangely, kind of unwanted. Eventually we got a divorce.

After that, I involved myself in a lot of projects, like buying, remodeling, and selling homes. And I opened a coffee shop. True to my immersive nature, I loved tackling big projects and did them mainly on my own, driven by the desire to see what I could accomplish.

In the summer of 2017, I had what’s known as a “kundalini awakening” that took me by complete surprise—especially since it wasn’t even a sexual thing that triggered it. I was listening to someone play the guitar and sing. I wasn’t at all attracted to him but listening to his music I felt this rising orgasm starting at my root chakra going all the way up into my throat. It was so intense, I remember looking at him, feeling shocked that he was completely oblivious to what was going on. The feeling didn't leave me for days. I was completely wide open and, even though I had been practicing yoga for 20 years, completely clueless about what was happening. 

Discovering OM

When I first heard about OM, I resonated with it completely, sensing that it would give me clarity about what had happened to me during the Kundalini experience. 

My first OM was memorable: I felt completely free, knowing that it was just the right thing to do. I found my partner attractive, and I was comfortable with everything, taking off my pants and my underwear, lying there in the butterfly with my open legs. When we began the OM, I kept thinking, “Oh! This is just the right medicine! My spiritual self, and my physical self, and all my cells are getting taken care of here. This is exactly what I wanted!” That first session was just so electrically charged, and I could tell that my partner was having his own electrical experience. The therapeutic benefit of the practice was immediately apparent.

Deepening OM Practice

After I had a few more OMs under my belt, I opened up even more. I really liked getting in the nest, stepping into a ritual space, knowing that I would get a full 15 minutes of attention. 

About half the time it was a very energetic experience where I would get electric feelings in my genitals and then in my core. Generally, it was a body experience, but every OM is different. All the outside stuff falls away; there is delicious engagement. The OM container can be its own world, leaving everything behind upon entry. 

Impact of OM on Life

When I started OMing I was in a period of great upheaval, and the OMs were beautiful still points in my life. They helped me slow down. They were also a catalyst for me accepting my independent identity as someone who is very much her own person. I appreciated the therapy of it and appreciated that I was standing up for other people’s access to nourishment by claiming my own needs and fulfilling them. I remember thinking, “Oh my God, everyone can have this level of being held and loved no matter what their religious or group identity.”

OM showed me how alive I was inside. It showed me my magnetic erotic being and helped me feel comfortable as a person. It also helped me feel more grounded and purposeful, and I started bringing that confidence into my relationships at work. I now have the intimate connection with people that I craved so long ago. And I feel comfortable holding space for others where I feel it is needed in turn.

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