My list of reminders from my journal, thought I’d share.
Tell the truth without anger. Or without trying to protect the other or yourself. When in doubt, use humor.
Stick around for the conversation. Say 100 percent of what’s there to be said until the water runs clear. If there’s any bad taste in your mouth there’s something to be said.
Don’t merely agree to disagree, but use disagreement as fuel for the friendship. Playful wrestling with what each sees as true.
Give each other room to fail miserably but still say, “You might not want to jump off that cliff.” When you do or they do, laugh together at the results whatever they may be. And help whichever one may need it with her cast.
Issue invitations with the understanding that “No” is always an appropriate response and there is no expiration date.
Make the foundation be not each other but what you love that brought you together—practice, politics, creativity, purpose. Sometimes you need a neutral territory to find each other again.
Care for the well being of the other without adding worry to the mix. We all have enough of our own portion of worry.
Avoid the temptation to rush in to save. More women have been saved from their own discovery by those uncomfortable with our thrash.
Be willing to be lit-up as a lighthouse for another. Water seeks for its own level; make yours high and inspire your friends who go higher. When they are on top, meet them there. This way we lead each other to great heights.
Have a “best” friend in various categories. Bring the best of breed together and make this your breeding ground. You can have every category under the sun. Single “bests” can be dangerous territory that rob us of equanimity and the resilience of cross breeding.
Empathize without commiserating. Hold the highest view of her with the deepest compassion. Remember, reality is conferred when there are two points of agreement. You can agree with her incapacity or her greatest gift. You will be the stamp that confirms either view.
Remember that gifts come with costs. The fierce warrior friend who cuts through the bullshit to help you might also be hardheaded. The wild one who draws you out might go too far. The friend with precision might be a tad judgmental. Love her B side too.
Leave the light on. When they want to go, let ‘em go. But be there with a warm cup of cocoa when they return. We are all drunken sailors walking each other home.
Be prepared for betrayal. Love without betrayal is love untested. Learn who they are in the dark. You can be true to where you were hurt without closing the door.
Admit when you are wrong without making them bear the burden of your guilt. My best friends and I don’t apologize. We crack a joke, “Damn, I messed that one up,” and get on with the business at hand: friendship, there’s no apology like it! Except, if it’s really bad, a slice of pizza (seriously).
Lead and be led so you can practice both positions with each other. The shy ones can come out of the shadows. The one that usually leads can zip her lip and learn to lead from behind.
Don’t settle for their autopilot. Great friends demand much of the other. We are happiest in the lust of being in our function. Be the friend who holds that standard even when the other is in doubt. “I know you can do this” are beautiful words. And not taking personally the tantrums and withdrawals their doubt may try to thwart you with.
Say I love you often in the way they can hear it. Sometimes it’s silence “protecting their solitude,” sometimes it’s 10 Instagrams, sometimes a hug. And, for special occasions the actual words. Learn their language. Feeling seen is one of the greatest ways to feel loved, even when you’re hiding.
Get friends who you can share a pot with, put in all you’ve got and don’t be embarrassed if you need to make a withdrawal. Give your best.
Don’t be afraid to say what you see when she’s particularly illuminated, sexy, beautiful. A good friend is a good mirror for us, magnifying our attractiveness in this way. (And yes, it’s important). My best friends and I do the female equivalent to guys matching drinks; we seek the most poetic way to intoxicate each other with words.
A fire is built with oxygen and fuel. Use everything for fuel and give space without distance. Stay warm. It can get cold out there. Let them know there’s nothing they could make you do to leave. You’re a ride or die, with some breaks in between if it gets too hot.
